Here in the Hellish region known as New England, hard rains have begun wiping the snows away. The streets are paved in ice, cracking the asphalt beneath the tires of the Volvos and Priuses driven by the local Hippies. My wife slipped and fell on the ice yesterday, severely injuring her leg.
None of this bothers me too much, though. The important thing is that a thaw is occurring. I very much enjoy the departure of the snow. Not that spring is coming, mind you: I’m well aware that we face another two or three months of frigid, bone-chilling unpleasantness. But the absence of snow means the absence of Satan’s sport, snowboarding.
I was never too familiar with snowboarding where I grew up. Decent folk didn’t engage in such activities, and the indecent folk didn’t have enough snow or enough elevation to partake in the shame. However, I had heard of the “sport” from growing up in this country, and by all accounts it is the exclusive purview of deviant Hippies, disgruntled grunge-sters, and marijuana users frustrated by supply shortages. The sport enjoys a very, very poor reputation among Christians for a reason, after all; allegations of its ties to Satanism are nothing new.
In fact, there is substantial evidence that snowboarding is, in fact, the frolic of choice among demons seeking escape from the rigors of damnation. Such demons would likely use the excuse of corrupting the souls of snowboarding teens as a means of gaining access to the chilly pastime for themselves. It is no coincidence that the sport was invented in California, and is widely practiced in Vermont, the most moonbatty states in America, both states well known for bat-ridden mountains containing secret passageways to the netherworld. Demons use California and Vermont as conduits between Hell and the good God-fearing folk who can be found in the 48 American states NOT considered Satan’s domain.
Some snowboarders resist Satan, and attempt to bring purity and faith to the activity. But the overwhelming majority choose to wallow in their iniquities. Backlash has arisen, of course, but what can a few concerned citizens do in the face of Satan’s hordes and willing minions?
Here is a website an astute reader alerted me to a while back, “VTDeathrider.” This is a Vermont-based group of useless hooligans and reprobates, careening down mountain slopes at top speed instead of praying or serving their country in Iraq. Just look at these louts; many of them are too drunk to even continue serving the bidding of their Dark Master, and continue snowboarding with him. I am ashamed to share a nation with these madmen.
I have repeatedly implored the proprietors of that blog to turn aside from Satan and his wicked ways, and to embrace the ways and doings of Christ. My entreaties have been met with a stony silence as these foolish dunderheads continue to post footage of themselves skirting dark, forested, demon-infested mountains; interviews with bikini-clad snowboard enthusiasts; and an overall flagrant disregard for the safety and property rights of others. I include the link that you, my Christian brothers and sisters, may also enjoin these foolish young deviants not to cast aside their immortal souls for a few seconds’ thrill riding a plastic board into a tree or off a cliff, or falling and becoming devoured by wolves and demons. Perhaps our combined efforts may have some effect on them; perhaps not. In any event, God will likely reward you twice as much for saving the soul of a Vermonter as He will for saving the soul of a person who wasn’t born in the realm of Satan.
Fortunately, Satan does not keep his promises. The thrill is fleeting, and death is eternal. As more and more snowboarders find themselves dragged down to Hell by the lies and distortions of the Dark One, America may yet see an end to this fad. America will prevail. America must prevail.